Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*seductively corrects your posture*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*