Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”