Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

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There are unfortunate spelling errors, and then there’s this.


When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.


[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened


Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.


Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood


There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.


I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO


They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.


I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.


Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.