Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
very niche meme I made
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
What an awful time to have common sense.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”