Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
One venti cheeseburger please.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.