NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.