NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go