Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You Might Also Like
[ATM, with a line of people behind me]
Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
ME: have you seen my briefcase?
HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk
ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?
My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.