@Darlainky

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

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@Bevels333

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@ArfMeasures

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?

@Parentpains

My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.

@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

@PhilJamesson

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

@new_waster

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.