Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.