Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

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Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse


If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.


i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports


[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.


Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.


Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”


before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do


I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.


I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes


Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.