Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.