ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.
5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!