@nPhelendriqal

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

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@ericsshadow

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

@jollyrobber

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

@hazelmotes1

Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.

5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.

@WheelTod

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

@Ginlicker

Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!

@Thynebear

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@LizHackett

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

@realfunghi

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!