Him: I really like Coldplay
Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.
Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do
I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.