Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.