My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
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Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.