Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well