Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
dictator is short for richard potato
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.