Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
this chia pet tastes awful
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Your secret is safeish with me
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
oppen heimer style lol
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.