@mactx85

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

@LurkAtHomeMom

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

@ArfMeasures

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

@caithuls

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

@tudorgrrrl

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@wendchymes

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@sarcasticmommy4

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.