WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
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So, can we agree on 4 or
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche