Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Not messing around
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook