Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
OKAY DAD
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*