Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact