Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
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I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro