My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party’s only healer 🙁
I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I’m really not sure where I was going with this.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.