Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.

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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.


Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party’s only healer 🙁


I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.


I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I’m really not sure where I was going with this.


I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!


Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster


7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]


A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.