Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.