Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
new shirt idea
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.