Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

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[tattoo parlor]


“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“


“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”


A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”


Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking


My stages of drunk:

1. You’re UGLY
2. You’re HOT

4. Your HONOR in my defense……


My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.


Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.


her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it


NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.