When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking
My stages of drunk:
1. You’re UGLY
2. You’re HOT
3. You’re BEAUTIFUL
4. Your HONOR in my defense……
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!
*takes off pants*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna
me: love it
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.