I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.