@mxrk

Nice try, poison.

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@chuuew

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

@DebraMuffin

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

@TweetingDadGuy

Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!

We’re sitting.

Now standing.

Sitting.

Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.

Shit, that was embarrassing.

@abbycohenwl

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

@iwearaonesie

*takes glass out of dishwasher*
*doesn’t know where it goes*
*leaves on counter*
*wife puts it back in dishwasher*
*repeat for last 7 years*

@jergarl

Wife: Are you drunk?

Me: I know this is a trick question so I’m going with no. Why?

W: Because you’re naked on the neighbors porch.

M:…

@panmidwest

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@duplicitron

I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.