SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!
Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.
Shit, that was embarrassing.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*takes glass out of dishwasher*
*doesn’t know where it goes*
*leaves on counter*
*wife puts it back in dishwasher*
*repeat for last 7 years*
Wife: Are you drunk?
Me: I know this is a trick question so I’m going with no. Why?
W: Because you’re naked on the neighbors porch.
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby.