Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Merica.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t