Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
thank god
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
fr
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.