Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
You Might Also Like
Care for your back
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
checking out some reviews of my local library
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.