Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”