Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
You Might Also Like
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Born to be mild.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?