@shita3yosays

Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?

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@HannahAntics

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

@HenpeckedHal

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

@tracietom

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@DurtMcHurtt

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: ok now let’s do a silly one

first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

@MNateShyamalan

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

@SwedishCanary

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

@BGH70

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.