Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away