I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.