11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?
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The training begins.
The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.
Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Meanwhile in Ireland.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.