And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers