ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’