Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

You Might Also Like


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.


If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.


I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.


Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!


[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]