Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Admin smashed it 😂
Jurassic park gets weird
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain