Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH