@pradogod

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

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@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

@Sir_Strange

I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!

@RealLucasNeff

[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH