@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

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@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

@mela_shea

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

@thesulk

Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

@Social_Mime

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@serendipitydon1

Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.

@Just_Beachy72

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

@Scorpio1080

I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.