Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!


Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.


Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?


Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.


Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.


Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?


Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.


Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.


Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two


Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life


I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.