Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Damn, girl are you Twitter?
Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.
Adulthood is straight up the worst hood I’ve ever lived in.
When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”
If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?