NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?