NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?


[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks


Damn, girl are you Twitter?

Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.


When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”


If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.


[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!


Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.


[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?