Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.