I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score