me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Rambo Rambow
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
stop
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?