Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
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I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
6: are snakes just neck?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.