Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
No chill.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
🙄😏😂🤣
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Just me?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If you breakdance you buy dance.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary