@PortRooster

Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

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@chapel3929

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

@TheBoydP

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

@TheBoydP

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@Petote

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

@UhhhJasonWebb

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@JerryThomas

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

@kwirkyKerri

I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.