Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

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*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.


The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?


The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry


My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.


911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..


I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.


Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.


I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”


I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.


I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.