I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
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Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The three genders.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught