niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
This tweet has been deleted
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext