niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.


It’s all fun and games until you’re sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework


Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident


Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”


Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are


Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless


Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?


[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?


u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset