@iwearaonesie

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

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@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

@SaraThomas84

It’s all fun and games until you’re sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework

@CheckMeowTBruh

Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident

@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@Herbs1996

Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are

@Moe_Murdah

Boyfriend questionnaire:

1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.

@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@chuuew

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

@Buffalojilll

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

@Reverend_Scott

u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset