Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*serious situation*
My brain:
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*