Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Practicing safe sax
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”