@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

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@sofarrsogud

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

@shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@dumbbeezie

Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a “What’s up” text right now

Be strong. Don’t answer. Eat ice cream.

@Underchilde

What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

@AudreyPorne

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.