NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*


When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee


[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok


To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.


Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a “What’s up” text right now

Be strong. Don’t answer. Eat ice cream.


What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.


Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?


My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.


women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.