imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”