Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Herpes is trending, good job people
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I love twitter
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My dog ate my work from home.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink